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christian, christianity, church, Conflict, Conflict resolution, Curtis C. Thomas, Ken Sande, peacemaker, Religion & Spirituality, the church
Words are powerful. Volumes have been written on the subject; I won’t add anything to the discussion here except my own admission of guilt. Even though I’ve been a Christian for a long time, I can still be careless or reckless with my words. The ability to speak carries with it an awful responsibility.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21a)
For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body… For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison (James 3:2, 7-8).
Death and life and stumbling and deadly poisoning are just a few of the monumental effects our words can have on others. Great good or great harm wells up in our hearts and tumbles right out of our mouths. I touched on this same idea in a recent post, mainly because I’m still—after all these years—trying to learn how listen and speak more carefully. I only wish I were a faster learner.
Recently I came across some helpful thoughts by Curt Thomas on the subject:
A good listener:
1. Blocks out possible distractions and is not easily distracted.
2. Concentrates (listening is work) and avoids mind drift.
3. Anticipates but does not assume (does not jump to conclusions).
4. Does not judge until comprehension is complete.
5. Recognizes his own predispositions, prejudices or biases toward the subject or speaker and attempts to re-evaluate his position (he listens objectively).
6. Does not dwell on unfamiliar vocabulary, but rather continues to work at listening and attempts to comprehend the main intent of the message.
Curtis C. Thomas
Life in the Body of Christ, Founders Press, 2006, p. 142, Founders Press
Some of the most common misuses of our tongues are:
1. Gossiping about fellow members.
2. Criticizing a sermon.
3. Running the pastor down.
4. Passing along matters which should be kept confidential.
5. Constantly questioning the leadership’s methods and motives.
6. Setting two members against each other.
7. Talking about dirty and immoral issues.
8. Making subtle, negative references about others.
9. Talking of matters about which we are uninformed.
10. Making disparaging remarks to others.
11. Bragging about our accomplishments and acts of service.
12. Encouraging church disharmony.
Curtis C. Thomas
Life in the Body of Christ, Founders Press, 2006, p. 220-221, Founders Press
When any one of those principles is neglected or ignored, some measure of conflict normally ensues. I’ll go on and say that because of our sinful nature and human weakness, conflict is possible even when those principles are closely followed. That means that knowing how to resolve conflict is at least as important as knowing how to prevent it. I believe I have even more to learn about the latter than I do the former, because I truly hate conflict. I think I got that from my mom (or maybe it was Adam, or the serpent). Anyway, even though I hate conflict, the sad fact is that sometimes I am the very cause of it.
One Final Question
Assuming that conflict is inevitable, I’m curious about something. Have you ever read or used any of Ken Sande’s Peacemaker Ministries resources? If so, would you mind sharing your thoughts about the material in the comments? Is there a particular course that you recommend? I see that they also offer training events, but they seem rather expensive to me. Are they well worth the cost? Thanks. Feel free to share any other thoughts you might have about the causes and resolution of conflict. Certainly, a lot more could be said.
who am i? 
Dear Barry
Thank you for the excellent post on conflict and the tongue. I won’t take up too much space here, since you were certainly looking for a more ‘objective’ comment on Peacemaker materials, and I work for them! I hope you get the independent view on the quality of material you are looking for.
I did just want to comment that we produce a range of materials, and our training is at the ‘upper end’ of what we do. Since it is skills training, (equipping belivers to help others in conflict by coaching or even mediating)it is quite intensive and has a high instructor/student ratio which is why the price is higher than you might expect.
By far our most accessible resources would be our DVD based small group/self studies – and I would ESPECIALLY recommend our new study “resolving everyday conflict” This is the best ‘entry point’ for digging into the theology of practical peacemaking – indeed this is where anyone getting trained would start.
I will be happy to send you a copy of the set to review for your readers if you would like.
Thanks – what I lack in independence I hope I made up for in helpfulness.
Warm Regards
Tim Pollard
Peacemaker Ministries
Thanks, Tim. I accept subjective reviews, too. 🙂 Seriously, I’m thankful to have your input. I’m very interested in previewing your material. I’ll send you my address in an email. Thanks again!
I’ve got a long way to go myself, Barry. A long way.
As far as disliking conflict. I don’t really thing we should like it, any more than we like illness, or any other outworking of sin in the world. But we do need to seek to glorify God in it…somehow. I think it comes from keeping love, and the resulting desire for peace and relationship, foremost in our hearts. No easy task, especially when that is not the goal of others.
May the Lord help us both!
You’re right, Laurie, there’s nothing to like about conflict itself. I realized after I’d already published my post that I wasn’t very clear about why I hate conflict, so you’ve given me a perfect opportunity to clarify my statement.
My problem is not that I hate conflict as much as it is that I hate dealing with it. My stomach ties itself in knots and I want to put my head in the sand and hope it goes away. My sin lies in shrinking away from it when I should be trying to deal with it biblically.
What I should have said is this: “I believe I have even more to learn about the latter than I do the former, because I truly hate dealing with conflict.” That, I’m afraid, is wrong.
Incidentally, I encourage anyone reading this to jump over to Laurie’s post on reviling others. It’s relevant to the topic of this post, and very insightful.
Barry,
Thanks for the good post. It is helpful to see the connection between the sins of the tongue and the conflicts we face in relationships. I find that even if a conflict wasn’t caused by my verbal sins, it is often worsened or perpetuated by them.
That second list was rather convicting. The tongue, all by itself, is sufficient proof of total depravity and of the Christian’s ongoing struggle with sin and need for continual growth in sanctification.
The best advice I know for growing in these areas is to trust that God’s promises are true, and know that we will ultimately overcome the stumblings of our hellish tongues as we persevere in faith and humility. There is growth and change with continuous application of the Word.
I do recommend Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker, but I don’t know much about his ministry beyond that book.
Blessings,
Derek
Thanks for the recommendation, Derek. You know how highly I value your opinion.
what a great discussion – Derek – one of the core thing we teach is that as you say, we regularly do ESCALATE conflict with our tongues (EG -“maybe if you really loved me you wouldn’t leave your socks on the floor…” — That just stopped being about socks.) It is a great place to apply 1 Cor 10 -31 – asking the question – “God -AT THIS MOMENT, what would please and honor you, vs advance my ’cause'” – we can always choose to throw gasoline or water.
And Laurie – I definitely agree we will never ‘enjoy’ conflict – BUT we teach it is always an opportunity. An opportunity to die to my selfish needs and prefer those of those around me. Based on Philippians 2-4 “Each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.” An opportunity to model Christ and be like him to the witness of a watching world.
Blessings
Tim